Learning to find the joy (and cookies) in grief

And I'm back! April and May were a little quiet and a little sad over here. But don't get sad for me because some wonderful things happened as a result. Cookies!

The end of April was my Mom's birthday and then Mother's Day happened. My mom died a year and a half ago. Celebrating these 2 days in the past was always a good thing filled with a lot of joy and shopping. My mom would spend the day giving herself the "Braun Girl Beauty Treatment", which consisted of bathing languidly with a coffee, maybe a book, and doing her own mani-pedi. I dont think she had the patience to pay someone else to do it. After she was all gussied up with her face on it was time to hit the mall where she would find the perfect spring outfit. In later years this outfit would be worn to Mr. Rizo's, an amazing restaurant in Saskatoon, our go-to celebration spot. I was recently there with family in May and like many things, its a hell of a lot quieter without her there.

On April 23rd this year I had my own version of her birthday. I bought new lipstick and went to a blissful yoga class and came home to these flowers and this note from my husband:

I hope yoga was good

check the freezer

In the freezer was a good old fashioned Coffee Crisp chocolate bar with another note written on the No Frills receipt that said, "save half for me".  It was perfect! And, yes, I have cut out the refined sugar and all that other garbage but every now and again it is ok, in my books, to indulge a little, Gayle would have approved. 

As for Mother's Day, I was hoping it would come and go. I got home from teaching that morning to an empty house except for Bailey the dog and CBC Radio One with Stuart McLean hosting a Mother's Day special. It was like a a car wreck, I couldn't go by without having a listen. That's when it happened, the South Saskatchewan river began to flow in my kitchen. The tears continued for a while and through it all a wee dog about knee high, sat quietly and patiently at my feet. 

When it was all over, Bailey reached for her pink bone and turned to me, ready to play. Somehow she knew I needed her there and that I too, needed to play. That night she chilled out in the kitchen where I continued to play:

I took liberty with the most amazing Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe ever, from Nigella Lawson's newest cookbook, Kitchen. I used spelt flour instead of white flour and coconut sugar instead of white/brown sugar and a mixture of cacao nibs and white chocolate chips (I didn't have anything else, and it was a baking emergency people!)

Chocolate Chip Cookies, by Nigella, adapted for me and you

Makes approx. 14 yummy cookies

Side note: Nigella is British, she bakes by weight, I was given a digital kitchen scale to use specifically with this cookbook, thank you Sue & Bob, many baking emergencies have been remedied with our new toy! Do yourself a favour and get one too, because I don't know the conversions.

150g soft unsalted butter

225g coconut sugar

2 tsp vanilla extract

1 egg, fridge-cold

1 egg yolk, fridge-cold

300g Spelt flour

1/2 tsp baking soda

1 x 326g package of semi-sweet chocolate chips (or whatever is in your pantry that is similar/healthier, which is the goal remember?)

*Pre heat the oven to 325 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

*Melt the butter and let it cool a bit. Put the coconut sugar into a bowl, pour the slightly cooled, melted butter over it and beat together.

*Beat in the vanilla, cold egg and cold egg yolk until your mixture is light and creamy. 

*Slowly mix in the flour and baking soda until just blended, then fold in the chocolate chips/healthy substitute - see above.

*Scoop the cookie dough up with an ice-cream scoop and plop onto the prepared baking sheet, plopping the cookies down about an inch apart. You may need to make these in 2 batches, keeping the bowl of cookie dough in the fridge between batches (out of sight).

*Bake for 15-17 minutes in the preheated oven, or until the edges are lightly toasted. Cool on the baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to wire racks. Share generously.

this picture, it should be noted is from an earlier experiment, 
the version above got gobbled up too quickly!

So, I have learned how to laugh through my tears with the help of Bailey the dog and learned to bake my favorite cookies with coconut sugar and spelt flour, super yummy alternatives to the refined versions. Whats on your baking agenda?

Happy Baking, until next time

tbxo


ps.: I'm working on the bike fixin' and bread bakin', stay tuned!